


It Ain't Me

by Ry (ryanssance)



Series: Songfics [5]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, F/M, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Spoilers, The 100 (TV) Season 3
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-13
Updated: 2021-02-13
Packaged: 2021-03-12 17:42:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,868
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29388603
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ryanssance/pseuds/Ry
Summary: A rift comes between the reader and Bellamy following Pike's campaign.
Relationships: Bellamy Blake/Reader
Series: Songfics [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2158794
Comments: 1





	It Ain't Me

**Author's Note:**

> Contains Spoilers for Season 3!

_I had a dream_   
_We were sipping whiskey neat_   
_Highest floor, The Bowery_   
_Nowhere’s high enough_

You looked over the edge of the building, a flask of moonshine in your hand as the wind whistled past. It was terrifying, being up on such a tall building. The structure was old and crumbly, yet it still stands after a nuclear war. Standing on one of the tallest buildings left on this planet, nothing compared to being up in space. 

“It’s a lot different from here, isn’t it?” A voice spoke up and you looked over to see Bellamy smiling down at you. 

You hummed in response as you passed him the flask. You could see the firey glow from the city below, and it amazed you how different the sight from the Ark was. From afar you could see the patches of scorched land, but from the tower, you were met with the mountains and the treelines. The water was still a nice crystalline blue and you didn’t really notice the burnt nature.

_Somewhere along the lines_   
_We stopped seeing eye to eye_   
_You were staying out all night_   
_And I had enough_

It was strange being back from Polis, yet nothing stranger than your relationship. If we could still call it that… With his weapons drawn and a new chancellor in tow, he stood on the wrong side. 

‘ _You should have been next to me, safe behind these gates.’_

You understood that he held a lot of anger towards the grounders because of what happened when you first landed. You _knew_ he held a lot of anger towards the grounders because he couldn’t save everyone, but honey, 

_‘You’re not supposed to. You can’t save everyone! You’re just too busy hiding behind your anger to realize the weight of this world isn’t sat upon your shoulders.’_

“Where are you going?” You whispered gently as you walked into your shared dorm with Bellamy. With his tanned back turned towards you, he pulled on a grey long sleeve and you noticed his gear on the table. 

His response was a short and impatient, “Patrol” 

You should have known, he’s been patrolling a lot more with Pike ever since he was elected. It upset you to no extent, seeing how Bellamy went from being a leader to a lost-puppy, following orders from a dictator.

A sigh escaped your lips as you moved aside and watched Bellamy leave the room without much of a goodbye. 

“Be safe.” You whispered to him as the door shut.

_No, I don’t wanna know  
Where you been or where you’re goin’  
But I know I won’t be home  
And you’ll be on your own_

For the umpteenth time that night, you turned your body to face the door. The surrounding area in the bed felt cold and stiff without him next to you, but you should have been used to it by now. The dim light from the desk lamp flickered as you sought out occasional footsteps outside your door, hoping it was Bellamy returning from his patrol. 

You had overheard some other patrollers talking about Pike taking a team outside of camp, but that was all you caught as they walked down the hall. Without a doubt, you knew Bellamy was on that team. As much as the curiosity churned within, you didn’t dare to ask to find out more about the latest mission. You simply closed your eyes to stop the tears from spilling. 

The ticking echoed in the room as you twisted again in your bed to try and find a comfortable position but it was useless. Judging by the cobalt blue light coming through the slit of the makeshift window, you assumed it was dawn. Sniffling, you sat up to slip on a sweater and your shoes before heading out. You were almost certain Bellamy wouldn’t be returning back to camp for a few more hours, which gave you time to find somewhere to hide and occupy yourself so you didn’t have to look him in the eyes, knowing he probably took part in ripping apart another innocent grounder village. 

_Who’s gonna walk you through the dark side of the morning?  
Who’s gonna rock you when the sun won’t let you sleep?_

The heavy rain outside pelted the metal of the Ark and echoed throughout the halls and in the dorms. Once again, you were alone in the frigid night alone as Bellamy hid away with Pike and his crew. Pulling the pillow close to your body, you couldn’t help be think back to the time you saw Bellamy cry as wet shoes squeaked past your room… 

Your shoes squelched annoyingly beneath you as you made your way back to your room. Monty and Raven needed help with fixing a part in the communication room so by the time the three of you finished up, most of the population were catching the last few hours of sleep before dawn became apparent. _  
_

As quietly as possible, you unlocked the door to your room, only to be met with the sight of Bellamy on the edge of the bed with his head in his hands. 

“Bellamy?” You called out quietly, trying not to raise any tension. With a small sigh, his brown orbs met yours and a glint of sadness surfaced. Tear streaks were drying on his cheeks and the rim of his eyes was slightly pink. The door closed behind you quickly as you rushed over to kneel in front of him. Your hands, smaller than his in comparison, came up to cradle his cheeks as you ran your thumb under his eyes, collecting the salty droplets threatening to spill. 

“I can’t stop thinking about what happened at Mount Weather…” And once again, the sobs echoed as you quickly pulled him with you under the sheets and cradled his head against your chest, allowing him to cry. Your fingers weaved themselves into his brown curls as you tried your best to silently comfort him. 

The sun slowly peaked through the slit of your window and people began rustling in the hallway and out in the field. Although the morning was starting for most of the people of Arkadia, the two of you were only on the edge of falling asleep.

_Who’s waking up to drive you home when you’re drunk and all alone?  
Who’s gonna walk you through the dark side of the morning?_

“Has anyone seen Bellamy?” You asked with a huff as you stopped inside Raven’s tech room. Clarke, Monty, Jasper, and Nathan were stood around the table and halted their discussion to all look at one another before sighing. 

“He said something about going to visit old friends…” Monty whispered cautiously. Bellamy had been going out to see said friends quite often nowadays, and it was becoming a bad habit. 

With a quick nod, you exited the room and headed straight for the hanger to grab yourself a rover to head out of camp. This wasn’t the first time he decided to leave camp to visit “old friends”. It happened before, and it’s happening a lot more frequently since Pike became Chancellor. At first, you thought he was just going on patrol, but it turned out he used that as an excuse so no one followed him out of camp. 

Shifting the gears, you left the camp and headed to retrieve Bellamy. The familiar buzz of the engine reminded you of your friend’s cell. They had the one next to the water cooling motor, so when you went to visit them, the hum would always be in the background of your small chatters. 

As the dropship came into sight, you turned off the high beams and parked the rover. You carefully hopped out and surveyed the area before closing the door. You kept your one hand on the gun in your waistband and called for Bellamy. 

There was a small light peeking out the dropship, and you approached it. “Bell, it’s me.” 

Your drunk boyfriend looked up with hazy eyes, tears evidently dried on his cheeks, “[Y/N], you made it…”. He handed you the flask of moonshine, and you simply took it from him and capped it. 

“Bellamy, you can’t keep doing this.” You sighed as you sat down next to him. “You can’t keep holding onto the despair of their deaths.” 

“But I killed them,” Bellamy muttered as he tried to sit up, but to no avail. “I was the one to blame for their deaths.” 

Your fists clenched tighter in frustration, “Jesus, Bellamy it’s not all your fault. It’s a little bit of everyone. We all had a part in their deaths.” You positioned yourself in front of him, your hands cupped his cheeks and your nose stinging from the pain of the tears threatening to build-up. “Please, stop beating yourself up. You’re not only tearing yourself apart, but you’re also tearing me apart. I can’t keep watching you repeatedly hideaway in a place that holds dark memories! You’re-”

Bellamy cut you off with a sarcastic laugh, “It doesn’t matter where we go or where we are, the dark memories either haunt us or we make new ones.” 

“THEN STOP MAKING THEM!” You shouted as Bellamy’s eyes widened at your outburst. “Let’s get you home.” 

You abruptly stood up, and pulled Bellamy with you and headed to the awaiting rover. The ride back was silent, but you repeatedly took nervous glances at him. He was awake, but he stared at the path ahead with a certain dissociation in his eyes. 

By the time Bellamy was changed and tucked into bed, he was in and out of sleep. He would look at you once in a while, but his eyes would flutter shut just as quickly as they opened. Unbeknownst to him, you were just dropping the last little bit of your stuff into your packed duffle, but the sound of the zipper woke him up. 

“I’ll stop, [Y/N],” Bellamy mumbled as his head shifted in your direction, forcing his eyes to open but only able to squint. “I’ll make happier memories from now on.”

“Then make them. Don’t wait for the next full moon, start it now.” You whispered as you slipped on your jacket. “Leave the worst of it, and move on. Then start making your happy memories by fixing the wrongs you’ve done.” 

“I will, [Y/N], I promise.” Bellamy whispered before going silent again, and you were sure he was asleep but he spoke up in a barely audible whisper, “I love you.” 

A few tears slipped down your cheeks as you silently whimpered in the dark. He was too drunk to realize the reality of what his self-loathing had done to your relationship. When you were sure he was asleep, you let a shaky sob out. 

“You deserve better, Bell. You really do,” you bent down and left a kiss on his forehead, praying he found himself again or found someone else to take care of him through all his troubles. “but I can’t keep up with this.” 

With the duffle bag slung over your shoulder, you turned off the desk lamp, and quietly slipped out of your old room. 

_It ain’t me._


End file.
